The Right Fit to True Enlightment

So lately I have been questioning a lot in my life. Questioning what to do now that my Ph.D is complete. Where to go from here.... Questioning whether I like bodybuilding, love bodybuilding and what is causing me to feel the way I do lately about it. Questioning now that I have found my true self and my happiness again what more I need to feel complete. I have now figured it all out.

I figured out that my true educational calling is not what I got my master's in, which is educational administration. That is a FUN summer job but not something I want to wake up doing for the next 20 years. My true calling is where I started at age 6, special education. Being diagnosed with LD, BD, ED and ADD at age 6 my life everyday was what no 6 year old should have to learn to overcome. I persevered though a lot in my life and now I want to teach these children how to do the same. I don't want to just teach them the knowledge of curriculum but the knowledge to know how they learn and how to teach themselves.

I know I love bodybuilding cause with all the drama I have persevered through I have had to fight with all my heart to get back on stage. I started hating the girls I met locally who compete and it really turned me off to the sport. I got screwed over by a lot, lied to, cheated by, etc... and it made me realize that the only way that a friendship like this will last if it we both support each other. If it is one sided it won't last. I also embraced my size. I like being muscular and think it is sexy, but I also care a lot about my face and the way it looks. I really listened to people who told me the reason I was single is because of bodybuilding and what it has done to my body and face. I am not sure this is completely true, but it made me embrace who I was and not to look back, just ahead. To be more aware of the changes and what I want out of this sport. Not to push it TO far. Funny thing is if I would just have listened to my diet coach I probably won't be wondering these things, but I always am competitive and have to be the best of the best. I am willing to do and try anything to win. Always been that way my whole life.

I also found that working out at Jakked Hardcore has restablized me each week. It give me confidence to be myself, acceptance in where I come from and a place to escape from my everyday grind. The people have taught me love and support and how important the family atmosphere is. I have not only found a place I can be me, but friendships that inspire me to be me.

So all in all I am in a happy, content, and in a good place in life. I have weeded my garden of people who make me unhappy, embraced who I truly am and reconnected with people who I don't always make time for. I am in a good place and have my mind set on my next goal....2011...watch out!

Time To Change....

I fought this "change" for a while...! Now many of you will say...your gay...your coming out of the closet! NO! That is not it! You see, I am fighting against the way my parents raised me. My parents raised me to be caring, giving, a good friend, always to take care of others, to always tell and show people what they mean to me. I have always displayed quiet confidence, have never been a "look at me" "look at me" kinda person. I always viewed these people as lacking self confidence, self esteem and being scared that they will not be noticed by others so they had to put themselves on a pedestal, cause no one else would. So our society has change to make us fight for survival, to fight for what we want...and here I am giving to others, being a good friend, showing people how much I care and doing things for others without getting anything back in return. This is ALL going to change. I am done being stepped on and being taken advantage of. I am going to start living life for me, doing things for me, and taking care of me....then putting everyone else SECOND! My family SECOND than my friends THIRD. I am done caring what others think or view of me. I am done needing something, asking a friend and they are always to busy or have an excuse why they can't help me. SO....it is time for a change, and it won't be an easy one for me to make!

A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes.....

It's hard to believe how many of my posts this offseason have to do with me making myself a better person. Although I am always learning and this is often my goal I find it amazing how many mistakes I still make. See, I am being taught to try to understand others and not develop preconceptions about people. I have found that people's true colors come out in one way or another. Although I TRY to understand others, some people are so messed up it is hard to understand what possess them to do what they do... I have however learned to weed out who my TRUE friends are. Who TRULY is there for me, not jealous of me, willing to go above and beyond for me and during rough times their response is not, "I am sorry to hear that" or "if you are that negative about it, don't do it." See I believe everyone is allowed to be negative and be upset or down in the dumps sometimes. Everyone has good days and bad days and although you may think you are the most positive person in the word and your words to try to boost me up are helping, sometimes I just need a little sympathy, a hug, someone to listen to me vent, someone to tell me that I can get through this, that I am a good person....etc... I am not trying to be negative or bash anything I am just having a bad day. Know what I mean?

So onto Dreams... Now that I have accomplished all my goals in my career and finished my education I am now seeking to find my perfect job...that of a special education resource teacher. Until a door opens I will continue to get as much experience working with children with special needs as I can. So I feel I am working toward that dream.

With bodybuilding, I don't have a dream...I don't have a wish...hell...I don't even have a vision. I have always thought of it as my hobby. I never thought I would place top 5 at a national level show to have to make this sport even a priority. I know for sure I don't want my whole life to this sport. I don't want to sit around my house all day with nothing to do but read the forums and plan my next workout. I like working and my job to much for that. In finding balance in this all I think I have to learn to take this hobby with a grain of salt. If I decide to compete again then I have to get onstage for me and make it about me. I have set my focus this offseason to enjoying life, having fun, dating and traveling. I don't want to wake up tomorrow and the only thing I have to show for in my life is my physique. I know my purpose in the world and I wake up each day and pursue it. So the next person who asks...whens your next show?....I am going to tell them tomorrow...cause everyday of my life is a "new show" and a "new day" and I will continue to live and accomplish my dreams and listen to my heart.