Why Do I Do This?

Now that I discovered WHY I do this....day in and day out...I realize that the path I walked on had many avenues, yet the only one I saw was the one I chose to see. It is amazing when you open your eyes to the world outside and realize that you really do have endless possibilities. I love that I now wake up each day and do what I do that day for only one person..for me. I am blessed with the gift to make a difference in the life of children daily. To be able to interact with intelligent, interesting people who lives are SO different than mine. But all in all, I am blessed to able to experience all I do each day for the betterment of myself. I have stopped caring about what "others" do, what their goals are and how they are getting there. I only have a second thought to those in my "inner circle" who I consider my close friends and who I would stop my life for. These are the people who will be around to support me no matter what goes on my life, but yet it takes me a while to "see" these people. I try to trust and believe everyone has good in their heart yet doesn't always know how to show it cause they are to focused on themselves, their goals, their family..etc... So I give people the benefit of the doubt. Lately, I have stopped doing this. Lately, I have realized that people think the way to get to the stop is by stepping on others. I have chosen not to be one of their stairs. I have chosen to instead step out of their way in hopes that others will see who they really are through my eyes. And....eventually......they do! I am never shocked to see someone who shares the same opinion about someone as I do. It takes a while but karma serves it's purpose. My dad used to always tell me that the most broken drum beats the loudest.... So I ask you.....are you the broken drum or the person who displays quiet confidence?

Re-Discovering Life.............

Re-Discovering Life.............

This blog is dedicated to all my friends who have shown me that their is more to life than bodybuilding. For the last three years I lived in this bodybuilding world in my head. I ate, slept and lived bodybuilding. Not because I don't have an outrageous and great career and set of friends, but because I thought I had to. I thought to accomplish my goals in bodybuilding I had to be this way. Their is a WHOLE big world out there full of opportunities, experiences and people. I have lived in this life where I worked, went to the gym, packed meals, measured meals, ate meals, went to bed, woke up, did cardio and did a repeat the next day. Heaven forbid I skipped a back workout to do something like...experience life, have fun, chill with friends, etc....

I was making myself miserable. Not because I don't love bodybuilding, I do and I still have high goals and aspirations when it comes to competing but because I had this as my top priority. When I finally sat back and reflected I had myself CONVINCED I was happy, I even told myself I was daily...but I realised I really wasn't. I couldn't prioritize my life to not live in this "bodybuilding" world part time and the real world full time. My big fun was experiencing different restaurants, going to the movies, baking and playing with my cat. Whooptie Doo! I always made the excuse of money...I don't have money to do that, or to do this...then I realised..........it was just that........an excuse.

I truly believe those people who give up traveling the world, having fun experiences and spending time with family and friends cause their "bodybuilding lifestyle" doesn't allow it, will someday, like me, sit back and realise that they are not 110% happy.

Since this time I have chosen to spend more time enjoying the flowers in my life. The people, things and experiences that I will look back on in 30 years and remember and not regret never doing.

So I challenge you to re-evaluate things in your own life....are you having fun, experiencing new things and exploring the world....OR is it the same thing day in and day out?

The Journey to the Stage is OVER....

The Journey to the Stage is OVER....

But it truly was the best journey yet. I approached this journey knowing that it was not going to be easy. All offseason I struggled to lose and maintain weight. My slow thyroid and slow metabolism always makes this a battle. I either have to give up eating or enjoying ANYTHING not on my diet plan or starve myself for the day to eat a treat. It's nuts! So I knew a lot of cardio was in my future and that it would take low calories and hurting to get me where I wanted to be...shredded!

Mentally I spent the offseason taking Dahn Yoga, finding my true self, building my self esteem and realizing that it is okay to be ME! I learned strategies to deal with stress, anxiety and the negative voices that try to talk to me. I took hip hop dance class for two session and worked on my stage performance. Hired a posing coach, had my dance teacher work on my routine with me and sat back and watched all the pieces fall into place. I didn't complain once or make the people around me miserable. I get very neurotic about dieting and am a perfectionist in everything I do. I am often my own worst enemy. I often drive others nuts in the process of contest prep. I question everything cause I want to learn and drive people nuts with my "Do you think my glutes will come in?" kinda questions. I need to know I am on point every week.

Here are a few things I HAVE to remember for next year:
1. Take out stock in Gas X-The chewable kind will seem like crack at 4 weeks out...really!
2. Go to Cosco and buy as much toliet paper as possible! As you diet not only do you pee every 15 minutes but your bathroom habits change frequently day by day.
3. Buy baby wipes! See #2-they are a lot nicer on your tooshy when you get lean!
4. Have someone hold you accountable for your weekly cheat meal-I didn't go overboard this year and it seemed to work!
5. Icksnay on the PAM....it does have fats and calories and they do add up. It is not spray butter and if you eat to much you get nasty acid reflux....
6. Super Dieter's Tea is your friend! Get some!
7. Buy a case of liquid Stevia...if you go to the store to often you get questioned by the cashier's! They will think you are drinking the stuff!
8. Try NOT to chew gum and drink diet pop...it WILL bloat your stomach and make you feel full, but it will also make your stomach distend and make your weight go up!
9. It's okay to create "ME" time and shut your phone off....
10. NAP...it will keep you alive!
**11. Only give yourself a FEW days to eat whatever you want after the show...a week is TO long! UGH!

So I had a great contest prep...and a great week of eating. Now it's back to dieting and creating my NEW and IMPROVED physique for next year! Bringing it.......going to be unstopable!

Into the warped mind of Dr. Auerbach…..

Into the warped mind of Dr. Auerbach…..


So everyone is always probing me for answers to what is in my head. Some people, depending on my relationship with them I answer and some I don’t. It really all depends on trust. I have different levels of trust with different people. Some I tell more to, some I tell less, some I tell the bare bones to…..


My best friends and family are who I tell it ALL to. Even things they don’t necessarily want to know! My friends, I tell at little more to, enough details to allow them to know what is happening in my life without knowing TO much. My acquaintances I tell the bare bones of my life to. BUT here I will tell you all the answers to the 5 most asked questions about me…….


1. What is next for you? Bodybuilding? Physique?
Does anyone TRULY know what is next for them in their lives? NO! So I take all this with a grain of salt. I will compete in bodybuilding for as long as it survives and then it may be time for me to start looking at having kids, getting married and living a “normal” life.


2. What do you do for a living? I am a first grade/special education teacher. I teach all day, train all night. It’s emotionally and mentally draining daily. Then I go to the gym and get drained physically. SO by days end I am ready to pass out!


3. What religion are you?

Religion doesn’t define me in anyway. I am spiritual but not religious.


4. What do you like to do? I love music, movies, shopping at MAC, Guess and Victoria Secret, playing the guitar and training at the gym


5. Will you ever go back to your “rockstar” lifestyle? NO, I am over that lifestyle. I have matured and don’t find a need for it in my life anymore. I will however continue to play guitar and play in the band on occasion for the fun of it.

I am an open book, black and white, full disclosure kinda girl. Anything you ever want to know about me….ASK….I have nothing to hide!!

Where you been?

I didn't disappear, just have had a lot of great things going on in my life. As many of you know I have been dieting with Palumbo since I began on this bodybuilding journey. He has raised me into this spiritual, confident, knowledgeable force not to be reckoned with. Along the way he has shown me that I was not working up to my full potential OR giving myself enough credit for what I was capable of. So, you can imagine how honored I was when he asked me to be the Editor in Chief of RX Girl. It was like the culmination of all I have worked hard for. Now I have the ability to promote women in the industry that probably would not get attention otherwise. I have met SO many wonderful girls and it has put my mind at ease that all women are not created equal and that not all the girls in this industry are the same. So, I have also been traveling quite a lot covering some of the local level shows for RX as well as training for Powerlifting and Bodybuilding and teaching. Busy! Busy!

With the end of the school year rapidly approaching it is stressful to go to work. Lots of changes, gossip, rumors and end of the year paperwork. Not to mention having to pack up an entire classroom. So I am hoping the next month goes FAST!! I am also hoping the kiddos I get next year are a little less challenging!

Another year.......But a WHOLE new me!

Most people on their birthdays reflect back on the years of their life and what they wish they could of, would of or have not achieved. In the past I was one of these people, but through my studying of the Tao and Dahn Yoga I have learned that the power of the mind is far greater than that of the soul, heart or body. With the wings I am given I choose to "be alive" each day. Not just to wake up and breathe and go about what I do each day, but to really enjoy all I am given in my everyday and the everyday blessings I have. I told my students on Friday, after they celebrated my birthday with me that each one of them is a HUGE part of my life and without their love and support I wouldn't be me. See, through the story, "Have You Filled a Bucket Today" I have taught my students that we each have an invisible bucket filled with our emotions. We can choose each day to be a "bucket filler" or a "bucket dipper". This has made them think about their actions and how they talk and act with their peers. I have chosen to live my own life being a bucket filler to everyone who touches my heart, including the 25 eyes that stare at me each day and depend on me. I am not out to promote me, or show the world who I am, or what I can or have accomplished. I find my happiness in the hearts and smiles of the people I love. So today, on my birthday, I don't look back, I look ahead at all the days I have to be alive, to smile, to touch the lives of others, to gain through experience the lessons that tickle my heart songs and make my days on this earth the best they can be.

Ilchi Lee.....Dahn Yoga Sensation

When Times Get Tough, Reach for Your Dream

Birth of a Dream

Your worth comes from your sense of self-respect.
A real dream comes from within that value.
There’s something about dreams.
Dreams don’t always come from ideal situations.

In times of greatest adversity and most desperate need,
when you are going through the most difficult struggle—that’s when you need a dream.
People who have a dream overcome the hardship
and find greatness in themselves.

Many of the great people in human history
cherished a dream in the midst of suffering
and achieved a great vision.

People who have a dream
like people who have dreams.
When people with a dream meet each other
they create a new history and encounter miracles.

Dreams, if not cared for, vanish like the clouds.
We must become people who always speak of dreams,
so that we can open our eyes each morning
full of anticipation and excitement, with hopes and dreams.

Let’s talk about dreams.
They’re the key to overcoming any obstacle or hardship.
Let’s talk about dreams.

Ilchi Lee

AH HA Moment............

Ever have an AH HA moment? One where you realize what you have been doing wrong, how you have gone about something totally wrong or one in which you discover something about yourself? I have had many of these recently and wanted this blog to be about just that. I had the opportunity to guest pose for the first time. In the past I have never had anxiety, gotten nervous or even thought twice about being in front of an audience. I mean, I present at conferences all over the US, played in a cover band, teach in front of my peers and students daily without thinking twice. So why when I got up on stage was I SO darn nervous? I took hip hop dance all offseason and never feared performing. Well as I walked off the stage at the Egyptian Theatre, where I began bodybuilding 11 years ago, I realized the answer to this question. It wasn’t due to lack of preparation or not having a high self esteem. It really came down to one thing…..it does not come naturally to me. I can’t under the pressure on stage perform with the grace and flow I want to cause unless I can do it in my sleep it won’t happen. So now I know…the diet, the cardio the training, I do this year round, it is natural to me, but dancing and posing it not. So this year I will focus ALL my attention on just that. With my dance teacher working with me weekly, I will perform like I NEVER have before. Watch out…..here I come!!!!!!!!

Now, in the past I have shared my contest prep, my progress, my where abouts and my business with others. I have learned that really, no one needs to know anything except my trainer and diet coach. NO ONE. I don’t need others to toot my horn and tell me how good I look, how awesome my workouts are, how much size I put on or what they know I want to hear. I am confident enough in myself to do this on my own. I have a supportive trainer and diet coach in my corner to answer my questions and get me through the rough patches. Better than that I have ME. I am independent, confident and a great person, who has all the skills it takes internally to be my best. Its time to stop listening, close my eyes and start reflecting internally.

A Reminder to Stay Alive.....

After losing my dad is 2006, I woke up and finally started to live and create my life, instead of letting life create and mold me. My dad called me the unstoppable one and always told me when I hit a brick wall to find a way around it, thru it or over it. I was very close to my dad and it took my 5 years to cry and come to terms with losing him. After I did I felt free and after spending the last 6 months finding my true self and weeding my garden called life I thought I was in a pretty good spot. Until last week.

When I got my mom to the emergency room at 3am they immediately knew what was wrong. She had a hernia. Her bowel was popped out of it too. When she then went in for surgery, they found 3! At an elderly age healing from this is not easy. Especially when everything that COULD go wrong DOES! With a host of other health problems I sat and slept in the chair at her bedside listening to her in pain, wishing I could take it away and wondering how she was going to make it thru this at her age. I slept at the hospital for days as I watched my mom drugged up on pain killers having no clue what they were shooting her with or giving her to take. As the days went on it became apparent that their was NO WAY she was going to be able to take care of herself for a LONG TIME after leaving the hospital. So I began my adventure on finding a full time caregiver, figuring out how I was going to afford it since medicare doesn't pay for it and wondering why she couldn't just have one hernia and no complications. Then it hit me.............

This is g-d's reminder to me to stay alive....stay in the moment, live for today and tomorrow and have no regrets. This is a message sent to me from my dad to remind me that I am unstoppable, that I have the tools it takes to accomplish anything I set my mind to. Most people look at bad situations like this as bad, negative,etc..I decided to look at it positively. All those endless, sleepless nights in the hospital gave me a chance to have many heart to heart conversations with my mom, to spend time reminding her of how wonderful our family was, all we had to live for and how this surgery will only make her a stronger person. She shared with me all the things that she loves about me, how even though I run a hectic busy schedule and am a workaholic I always find time for her. She told me that I turned out the way she raised me to be and how even though I get hurt my self centered people and bitches she is glad I am not one.

It's funny how the scare of almost losing my mom turned into the greatest bonding moment.................So remember to stay alive....don't let life create and mold you, YOU create and mold your life!

My Journey Into the Sport of Bodybuilding

My journey into bodybuilding started at the age of 6. 6 you ask? Yes, 6!!!! See at 6 years old I sat in a first grade classroom and I was the odd ball, the weird-o, the kid who was different, the one no one understood or wanted to be friends with. I was the one chosen last during dodgeball. At the age of 6 I was diagnosed with ADD, ED, BD and LD. I have attention, behavior, learning and emotional difficulties. Talk about being hit hard. EVERYTHING I did was a struggle and hard for me. So how did this get me into bodybuilding you ask? This was the beginning of me struggling to find my "place" or "home" in this world. This is where I began my first attempt to be understood for who I am and what I believe in.

So throughout school I got involved in gangs, sports, and a sorority, all attempting to find the people and place where I would be the most understood. I went to college on a cross country scholarship and went to the gym to lift weights three times a week. After a month my coach told me I had to STOP lifting! I was getting to big! After many stress fractures, I decided to switch to playing rugby in college. I got to lift daily and get as big and strong as I wanted! During college their was a bodybuilding show called Greek Physique and I decided I wanted to compete in it. I trained at the gym with many guys who offered to help me pose, diet and prepare. I loved the diet, loved putting on muscle, loved cardio, learning about supplements and loved competing! I competed in Greek Physique and won it 4 years in a row! When I left college I joined a gym back home where I was student teaching. I started working out there daily and meeting people who competed in the NPC and who told me I should do a show. I told everyone I wanted to focus on my first year teaching and just continued to train. I hired a trainer and he trained me 3 times a week. I started to see myself put on more and more muscle as time went on. I ate clean and started learning more about supplements. I decided to start attending the local NPC contests to see what it was like. During the first show I went to I had made up my mind...I WANTED TO COMPETE AGAIN! So in 2007 I started my journey toward my first competition. During the year I went to every show and met more and more people who competed. I started lifting, training and spending time with competitors and by the end of 2007 I had attended every local Illinois show and had met a whole group of friends who understood me and accepted me for who I was. They understood my "oddness" and in their eyes it was okay to be different. In fact it was my differences that made me so unique.

So in 2008 I stood back on the stage and did my first NPC bodybuilding competition. Ever since then I live the lifestyle daily, believe in the religion of bodybuilding and truly believe I found my "place" to call home! All of the struggling I did my whole life as a child only made me a stronger person. It only taught me resilience and to persevere when things are hard. This has helped me get through contest prep, in the off season when bulking and in my professional life as a elementary and special education teacher. The only difference is I have taught my students that it's okay to be this way! This is how I started bodybuilding and can't imagine my life without it!

Learning to Believe In Me

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were
meant to be there. To serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or
help figure out who you are or who you want to become.

You never know who these people may be but when you lock eyes with them, you
know that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.
And sometimes things happen to you at the time that may seem horrible,
painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming
those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, will
power or heart.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of
good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer
stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small
tests, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere.
Safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet affect your life. The successes and downfalls that you
experience can create who you are, and the bad experiences can be learned
from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.

If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them because
they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious
to whom you open your heart.

If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they
love you, but because they are teaching you to love and to open your heart
and eyes to little things. Make every day count.

Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can,
for you may never be able to experience it again.

Talk to people you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let
yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high.

Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a
great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in
yourself, no one else will believe in you. Create your own life and then go
out and live it.

2010 Reflection

It is great to look back on the last year and see the good and bad that happened, but if I had to pick out the greatest accomplishment I had this year it was discovering what made me happy, finding my true self and creating the life I truly deserve. I was able to "weed my garden" of people in my life who weren't making me happy. I found true happiness after I walked away from these negative voices. It is a hard sometimes hurtful process and many would rather stay in these relationships than walk away. I chose to walk away and couldn't be happier with my decision. I would rather have friends in my life who understand me, truly support me and who are not self centered and self absorbed. It has been an amazing experience that made me grow into a stronger person.

I love how many people think they are friends with people who all they do is text, email or instant message. They think these "facebook" friends are REAL friends. I find this nothing but amusing.

So as I wrap up another year I want to thank the people who love and support me, who TRULY want what is best for me and who are able to look outside their own bubble and be a friend. I am not a perfect person but I work hard each and everyday to make myself better and stronger.