After losing my dad is 2006, I woke up and finally started to live and create my life, instead of letting life create and mold me. My dad called me the unstoppable one and always told me when I hit a brick wall to find a way around it, thru it or over it. I was very close to my dad and it took my 5 years to cry and come to terms with losing him. After I did I felt free and after spending the last 6 months finding my true self and weeding my garden called life I thought I was in a pretty good spot. Until last week.
When I got my mom to the emergency room at 3am they immediately knew what was wrong. She had a hernia. Her bowel was popped out of it too. When she then went in for surgery, they found 3! At an elderly age healing from this is not easy. Especially when everything that COULD go wrong DOES! With a host of other health problems I sat and slept in the chair at her bedside listening to her in pain, wishing I could take it away and wondering how she was going to make it thru this at her age. I slept at the hospital for days as I watched my mom drugged up on pain killers having no clue what they were shooting her with or giving her to take. As the days went on it became apparent that their was NO WAY she was going to be able to take care of herself for a LONG TIME after leaving the hospital. So I began my adventure on finding a full time caregiver, figuring out how I was going to afford it since medicare doesn't pay for it and wondering why she couldn't just have one hernia and no complications. Then it hit me.............
This is g-d's reminder to me to stay alive....stay in the moment, live for today and tomorrow and have no regrets. This is a message sent to me from my dad to remind me that I am unstoppable, that I have the tools it takes to accomplish anything I set my mind to. Most people look at bad situations like this as bad, negative,etc..I decided to look at it positively. All those endless, sleepless nights in the hospital gave me a chance to have many heart to heart conversations with my mom, to spend time reminding her of how wonderful our family was, all we had to live for and how this surgery will only make her a stronger person. She shared with me all the things that she loves about me, how even though I run a hectic busy schedule and am a workaholic I always find time for her. She told me that I turned out the way she raised me to be and how even though I get hurt my self centered people and bitches she is glad I am not one.
It's funny how the scare of almost losing my mom turned into the greatest bonding moment.................So remember to stay alive....don't let life create and mold you, YOU create and mold your life!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
My Journey Into the Sport of Bodybuilding
My journey into bodybuilding started at the age of 6. 6 you ask? Yes, 6!!!! See at 6 years old I sat in a first grade classroom and I was the odd ball, the weird-o, the kid who was different, the one no one understood or wanted to be friends with. I was the one chosen last during dodgeball. At the age of 6 I was diagnosed with ADD, ED, BD and LD. I have attention, behavior, learning and emotional difficulties. Talk about being hit hard. EVERYTHING I did was a struggle and hard for me. So how did this get me into bodybuilding you ask? This was the beginning of me struggling to find my "place" or "home" in this world. This is where I began my first attempt to be understood for who I am and what I believe in.
So throughout school I got involved in gangs, sports, and a sorority, all attempting to find the people and place where I would be the most understood. I went to college on a cross country scholarship and went to the gym to lift weights three times a week. After a month my coach told me I had to STOP lifting! I was getting to big! After many stress fractures, I decided to switch to playing rugby in college. I got to lift daily and get as big and strong as I wanted! During college their was a bodybuilding show called Greek Physique and I decided I wanted to compete in it. I trained at the gym with many guys who offered to help me pose, diet and prepare. I loved the diet, loved putting on muscle, loved cardio, learning about supplements and loved competing! I competed in Greek Physique and won it 4 years in a row! When I left college I joined a gym back home where I was student teaching. I started working out there daily and meeting people who competed in the NPC and who told me I should do a show. I told everyone I wanted to focus on my first year teaching and just continued to train. I hired a trainer and he trained me 3 times a week. I started to see myself put on more and more muscle as time went on. I ate clean and started learning more about supplements. I decided to start attending the local NPC contests to see what it was like. During the first show I went to I had made up my mind...I WANTED TO COMPETE AGAIN! So in 2007 I started my journey toward my first competition. During the year I went to every show and met more and more people who competed. I started lifting, training and spending time with competitors and by the end of 2007 I had attended every local Illinois show and had met a whole group of friends who understood me and accepted me for who I was. They understood my "oddness" and in their eyes it was okay to be different. In fact it was my differences that made me so unique.
So in 2008 I stood back on the stage and did my first NPC bodybuilding competition. Ever since then I live the lifestyle daily, believe in the religion of bodybuilding and truly believe I found my "place" to call home! All of the struggling I did my whole life as a child only made me a stronger person. It only taught me resilience and to persevere when things are hard. This has helped me get through contest prep, in the off season when bulking and in my professional life as a elementary and special education teacher. The only difference is I have taught my students that it's okay to be this way! This is how I started bodybuilding and can't imagine my life without it!
So throughout school I got involved in gangs, sports, and a sorority, all attempting to find the people and place where I would be the most understood. I went to college on a cross country scholarship and went to the gym to lift weights three times a week. After a month my coach told me I had to STOP lifting! I was getting to big! After many stress fractures, I decided to switch to playing rugby in college. I got to lift daily and get as big and strong as I wanted! During college their was a bodybuilding show called Greek Physique and I decided I wanted to compete in it. I trained at the gym with many guys who offered to help me pose, diet and prepare. I loved the diet, loved putting on muscle, loved cardio, learning about supplements and loved competing! I competed in Greek Physique and won it 4 years in a row! When I left college I joined a gym back home where I was student teaching. I started working out there daily and meeting people who competed in the NPC and who told me I should do a show. I told everyone I wanted to focus on my first year teaching and just continued to train. I hired a trainer and he trained me 3 times a week. I started to see myself put on more and more muscle as time went on. I ate clean and started learning more about supplements. I decided to start attending the local NPC contests to see what it was like. During the first show I went to I had made up my mind...I WANTED TO COMPETE AGAIN! So in 2007 I started my journey toward my first competition. During the year I went to every show and met more and more people who competed. I started lifting, training and spending time with competitors and by the end of 2007 I had attended every local Illinois show and had met a whole group of friends who understood me and accepted me for who I was. They understood my "oddness" and in their eyes it was okay to be different. In fact it was my differences that made me so unique.
So in 2008 I stood back on the stage and did my first NPC bodybuilding competition. Ever since then I live the lifestyle daily, believe in the religion of bodybuilding and truly believe I found my "place" to call home! All of the struggling I did my whole life as a child only made me a stronger person. It only taught me resilience and to persevere when things are hard. This has helped me get through contest prep, in the off season when bulking and in my professional life as a elementary and special education teacher. The only difference is I have taught my students that it's okay to be this way! This is how I started bodybuilding and can't imagine my life without it!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Learning to Believe In Me
Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were
meant to be there. To serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or
help figure out who you are or who you want to become.
You never know who these people may be but when you lock eyes with them, you
know that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.
And sometimes things happen to you at the time that may seem horrible,
painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming
those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, will
power or heart.
Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of
good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer
stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small
tests, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere.
Safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless.
The people you meet affect your life. The successes and downfalls that you
experience can create who you are, and the bad experiences can be learned
from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.
If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them because
they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious
to whom you open your heart.
If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they
love you, but because they are teaching you to love and to open your heart
and eyes to little things. Make every day count.
Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can,
for you may never be able to experience it again.
Talk to people you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let
yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high.
Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a
great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in
yourself, no one else will believe in you. Create your own life and then go
out and live it.
meant to be there. To serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or
help figure out who you are or who you want to become.
You never know who these people may be but when you lock eyes with them, you
know that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.
And sometimes things happen to you at the time that may seem horrible,
painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming
those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, will
power or heart.
Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of
good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer
stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small
tests, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere.
Safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless.
The people you meet affect your life. The successes and downfalls that you
experience can create who you are, and the bad experiences can be learned
from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.
If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them because
they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious
to whom you open your heart.
If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they
love you, but because they are teaching you to love and to open your heart
and eyes to little things. Make every day count.
Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can,
for you may never be able to experience it again.
Talk to people you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let
yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high.
Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a
great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in
yourself, no one else will believe in you. Create your own life and then go
out and live it.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
2010 Reflection
It is great to look back on the last year and see the good and bad that happened, but if I had to pick out the greatest accomplishment I had this year it was discovering what made me happy, finding my true self and creating the life I truly deserve. I was able to "weed my garden" of people in my life who weren't making me happy. I found true happiness after I walked away from these negative voices. It is a hard sometimes hurtful process and many would rather stay in these relationships than walk away. I chose to walk away and couldn't be happier with my decision. I would rather have friends in my life who understand me, truly support me and who are not self centered and self absorbed. It has been an amazing experience that made me grow into a stronger person.
I love how many people think they are friends with people who all they do is text, email or instant message. They think these "facebook" friends are REAL friends. I find this nothing but amusing.
So as I wrap up another year I want to thank the people who love and support me, who TRULY want what is best for me and who are able to look outside their own bubble and be a friend. I am not a perfect person but I work hard each and everyday to make myself better and stronger.
I love how many people think they are friends with people who all they do is text, email or instant message. They think these "facebook" friends are REAL friends. I find this nothing but amusing.
So as I wrap up another year I want to thank the people who love and support me, who TRULY want what is best for me and who are able to look outside their own bubble and be a friend. I am not a perfect person but I work hard each and everyday to make myself better and stronger.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
The Right Fit to True Enlightment
So lately I have been questioning a lot in my life. Questioning what to do now that my Ph.D is complete. Where to go from here.... Questioning whether I like bodybuilding, love bodybuilding and what is causing me to feel the way I do lately about it. Questioning now that I have found my true self and my happiness again what more I need to feel complete. I have now figured it all out.
I figured out that my true educational calling is not what I got my master's in, which is educational administration. That is a FUN summer job but not something I want to wake up doing for the next 20 years. My true calling is where I started at age 6, special education. Being diagnosed with LD, BD, ED and ADD at age 6 my life everyday was what no 6 year old should have to learn to overcome. I persevered though a lot in my life and now I want to teach these children how to do the same. I don't want to just teach them the knowledge of curriculum but the knowledge to know how they learn and how to teach themselves.
I know I love bodybuilding cause with all the drama I have persevered through I have had to fight with all my heart to get back on stage. I started hating the girls I met locally who compete and it really turned me off to the sport. I got screwed over by a lot, lied to, cheated by, etc... and it made me realize that the only way that a friendship like this will last if it we both support each other. If it is one sided it won't last. I also embraced my size. I like being muscular and think it is sexy, but I also care a lot about my face and the way it looks. I really listened to people who told me the reason I was single is because of bodybuilding and what it has done to my body and face. I am not sure this is completely true, but it made me embrace who I was and not to look back, just ahead. To be more aware of the changes and what I want out of this sport. Not to push it TO far. Funny thing is if I would just have listened to my diet coach I probably won't be wondering these things, but I always am competitive and have to be the best of the best. I am willing to do and try anything to win. Always been that way my whole life.
I also found that working out at Jakked Hardcore has restablized me each week. It give me confidence to be myself, acceptance in where I come from and a place to escape from my everyday grind. The people have taught me love and support and how important the family atmosphere is. I have not only found a place I can be me, but friendships that inspire me to be me.
So all in all I am in a happy, content, and in a good place in life. I have weeded my garden of people who make me unhappy, embraced who I truly am and reconnected with people who I don't always make time for. I am in a good place and have my mind set on my next goal....2011...watch out!
I figured out that my true educational calling is not what I got my master's in, which is educational administration. That is a FUN summer job but not something I want to wake up doing for the next 20 years. My true calling is where I started at age 6, special education. Being diagnosed with LD, BD, ED and ADD at age 6 my life everyday was what no 6 year old should have to learn to overcome. I persevered though a lot in my life and now I want to teach these children how to do the same. I don't want to just teach them the knowledge of curriculum but the knowledge to know how they learn and how to teach themselves.
I know I love bodybuilding cause with all the drama I have persevered through I have had to fight with all my heart to get back on stage. I started hating the girls I met locally who compete and it really turned me off to the sport. I got screwed over by a lot, lied to, cheated by, etc... and it made me realize that the only way that a friendship like this will last if it we both support each other. If it is one sided it won't last. I also embraced my size. I like being muscular and think it is sexy, but I also care a lot about my face and the way it looks. I really listened to people who told me the reason I was single is because of bodybuilding and what it has done to my body and face. I am not sure this is completely true, but it made me embrace who I was and not to look back, just ahead. To be more aware of the changes and what I want out of this sport. Not to push it TO far. Funny thing is if I would just have listened to my diet coach I probably won't be wondering these things, but I always am competitive and have to be the best of the best. I am willing to do and try anything to win. Always been that way my whole life.
I also found that working out at Jakked Hardcore has restablized me each week. It give me confidence to be myself, acceptance in where I come from and a place to escape from my everyday grind. The people have taught me love and support and how important the family atmosphere is. I have not only found a place I can be me, but friendships that inspire me to be me.
So all in all I am in a happy, content, and in a good place in life. I have weeded my garden of people who make me unhappy, embraced who I truly am and reconnected with people who I don't always make time for. I am in a good place and have my mind set on my next goal....2011...watch out!
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Time To Change....
I fought this "change" for a while...! Now many of you will say...your gay...your coming out of the closet! NO! That is not it! You see, I am fighting against the way my parents raised me. My parents raised me to be caring, giving, a good friend, always to take care of others, to always tell and show people what they mean to me. I have always displayed quiet confidence, have never been a "look at me" "look at me" kinda person. I always viewed these people as lacking self confidence, self esteem and being scared that they will not be noticed by others so they had to put themselves on a pedestal, cause no one else would. So our society has change to make us fight for survival, to fight for what we want...and here I am giving to others, being a good friend, showing people how much I care and doing things for others without getting anything back in return. This is ALL going to change. I am done being stepped on and being taken advantage of. I am going to start living life for me, doing things for me, and taking care of me....then putting everyone else SECOND! My family SECOND than my friends THIRD. I am done caring what others think or view of me. I am done needing something, asking a friend and they are always to busy or have an excuse why they can't help me. SO....it is time for a change, and it won't be an easy one for me to make!
Monday, December 6, 2010
A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes.....
It's hard to believe how many of my posts this offseason have to do with me making myself a better person. Although I am always learning and this is often my goal I find it amazing how many mistakes I still make. See, I am being taught to try to understand others and not develop preconceptions about people. I have found that people's true colors come out in one way or another. Although I TRY to understand others, some people are so messed up it is hard to understand what possess them to do what they do... I have however learned to weed out who my TRUE friends are. Who TRULY is there for me, not jealous of me, willing to go above and beyond for me and during rough times their response is not, "I am sorry to hear that" or "if you are that negative about it, don't do it." See I believe everyone is allowed to be negative and be upset or down in the dumps sometimes. Everyone has good days and bad days and although you may think you are the most positive person in the word and your words to try to boost me up are helping, sometimes I just need a little sympathy, a hug, someone to listen to me vent, someone to tell me that I can get through this, that I am a good person....etc... I am not trying to be negative or bash anything I am just having a bad day. Know what I mean?
So onto Dreams... Now that I have accomplished all my goals in my career and finished my education I am now seeking to find my perfect job...that of a special education resource teacher. Until a door opens I will continue to get as much experience working with children with special needs as I can. So I feel I am working toward that dream.
With bodybuilding, I don't have a dream...I don't have a wish...hell...I don't even have a vision. I have always thought of it as my hobby. I never thought I would place top 5 at a national level show to have to make this sport even a priority. I know for sure I don't want my whole life to this sport. I don't want to sit around my house all day with nothing to do but read the forums and plan my next workout. I like working and my job to much for that. In finding balance in this all I think I have to learn to take this hobby with a grain of salt. If I decide to compete again then I have to get onstage for me and make it about me. I have set my focus this offseason to enjoying life, having fun, dating and traveling. I don't want to wake up tomorrow and the only thing I have to show for in my life is my physique. I know my purpose in the world and I wake up each day and pursue it. So the next person who asks...whens your next show?....I am going to tell them tomorrow...cause everyday of my life is a "new show" and a "new day" and I will continue to live and accomplish my dreams and listen to my heart.
So onto Dreams... Now that I have accomplished all my goals in my career and finished my education I am now seeking to find my perfect job...that of a special education resource teacher. Until a door opens I will continue to get as much experience working with children with special needs as I can. So I feel I am working toward that dream.
With bodybuilding, I don't have a dream...I don't have a wish...hell...I don't even have a vision. I have always thought of it as my hobby. I never thought I would place top 5 at a national level show to have to make this sport even a priority. I know for sure I don't want my whole life to this sport. I don't want to sit around my house all day with nothing to do but read the forums and plan my next workout. I like working and my job to much for that. In finding balance in this all I think I have to learn to take this hobby with a grain of salt. If I decide to compete again then I have to get onstage for me and make it about me. I have set my focus this offseason to enjoying life, having fun, dating and traveling. I don't want to wake up tomorrow and the only thing I have to show for in my life is my physique. I know my purpose in the world and I wake up each day and pursue it. So the next person who asks...whens your next show?....I am going to tell them tomorrow...cause everyday of my life is a "new show" and a "new day" and I will continue to live and accomplish my dreams and listen to my heart.
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