My Journey To Ultimate Health, Happiness and Enlightenment Lead By My True Self

My Journey To Ultimate Health, Happiness and Enlightenment Lead By My True Self

UPDATE: So many wonder what happen to me. I got my pro card last year and disappeared. Other than the work I do for RX Muscle, the stage has yet to see my bare feet and 6 pack. I have decided to stand on a whole new stage, one called life where each day is looked at threw new eyes, with a new perspective and with a soul nurtured by my true self. After winning my pro card at the Team U in 2012, I made the decision to not compete as a pro, for a few reasons. Ultimately, because I wanted to be healthy...TRULY healthy. Now any of us who competed know just how unhealthy and grueling competing can be. Hours of cardio, lower calories, timing meals, no sleep....etc... As I tapered off my contest diet plan I began to notice that the usual rebound I was having was lasting a LONG time. I felt like a bloated whale (picture 5 months pregnant) and my everyday tasks were cumbersome. Forget the gym, I couldn't walk, let alone lift or do cardio. My lower back had so much pressure on it, and I couldn't stand up straight. The bloated and distension got worse by the day until one day...while taking my middle of the night bathroom run I discovered I couldn't get out of bed! I fell to the floor in agonizing pain. After a call to 911 had been made along with one to a friend that lived nearby, I began the process of discovering what turned out to be a life changing event. So now a year later..I am healthy, happy and back to deciding what to do next? Go back to compete once as a pro to "say I have done it" or begin a new journey, of a different type. This is what boggles my mind daily...and I have yet to find the ultimate answer. I will begin blogging about my journey back to where I was...so stay tuned for the madness which may ensue!

Why Do I Do This?

Now that I discovered WHY I do this....day in and day out...I realize that the path I walked on had many avenues, yet the only one I saw was the one I chose to see. It is amazing when you open your eyes to the world outside and realize that you really do have endless possibilities. I love that I now wake up each day and do what I do that day for only one person..for me. I am blessed with the gift to make a difference in the life of children daily. To be able to interact with intelligent, interesting people who lives are SO different than mine. But all in all, I am blessed to able to experience all I do each day for the betterment of myself. I have stopped caring about what "others" do, what their goals are and how they are getting there. I only have a second thought to those in my "inner circle" who I consider my close friends and who I would stop my life for. These are the people who will be around to support me no matter what goes on my life, but yet it takes me a while to "see" these people. I try to trust and believe everyone has good in their heart yet doesn't always know how to show it cause they are to focused on themselves, their goals, their family..etc... So I give people the benefit of the doubt. Lately, I have stopped doing this. Lately, I have realized that people think the way to get to the stop is by stepping on others. I have chosen not to be one of their stairs. I have chosen to instead step out of their way in hopes that others will see who they really are through my eyes. And....eventually......they do! I am never shocked to see someone who shares the same opinion about someone as I do. It takes a while but karma serves it's purpose. My dad used to always tell me that the most broken drum beats the loudest.... So I ask you.....are you the broken drum or the person who displays quiet confidence?

Re-Discovering Life.............

Re-Discovering Life.............

This blog is dedicated to all my friends who have shown me that their is more to life than bodybuilding. For the last three years I lived in this bodybuilding world in my head. I ate, slept and lived bodybuilding. Not because I don't have an outrageous and great career and set of friends, but because I thought I had to. I thought to accomplish my goals in bodybuilding I had to be this way. Their is a WHOLE big world out there full of opportunities, experiences and people. I have lived in this life where I worked, went to the gym, packed meals, measured meals, ate meals, went to bed, woke up, did cardio and did a repeat the next day. Heaven forbid I skipped a back workout to do something like...experience life, have fun, chill with friends, etc....

I was making myself miserable. Not because I don't love bodybuilding, I do and I still have high goals and aspirations when it comes to competing but because I had this as my top priority. When I finally sat back and reflected I had myself CONVINCED I was happy, I even told myself I was daily...but I realised I really wasn't. I couldn't prioritize my life to not live in this "bodybuilding" world part time and the real world full time. My big fun was experiencing different restaurants, going to the movies, baking and playing with my cat. Whooptie Doo! I always made the excuse of money...I don't have money to do that, or to do this...then I realised..........it was just that........an excuse.

I truly believe those people who give up traveling the world, having fun experiences and spending time with family and friends cause their "bodybuilding lifestyle" doesn't allow it, will someday, like me, sit back and realise that they are not 110% happy.

Since this time I have chosen to spend more time enjoying the flowers in my life. The people, things and experiences that I will look back on in 30 years and remember and not regret never doing.

So I challenge you to re-evaluate things in your own life....are you having fun, experiencing new things and exploring the world....OR is it the same thing day in and day out?

The Journey to the Stage is OVER....

The Journey to the Stage is OVER....

But it truly was the best journey yet. I approached this journey knowing that it was not going to be easy. All offseason I struggled to lose and maintain weight. My slow thyroid and slow metabolism always makes this a battle. I either have to give up eating or enjoying ANYTHING not on my diet plan or starve myself for the day to eat a treat. It's nuts! So I knew a lot of cardio was in my future and that it would take low calories and hurting to get me where I wanted to be...shredded!

Mentally I spent the offseason taking Dahn Yoga, finding my true self, building my self esteem and realizing that it is okay to be ME! I learned strategies to deal with stress, anxiety and the negative voices that try to talk to me. I took hip hop dance class for two session and worked on my stage performance. Hired a posing coach, had my dance teacher work on my routine with me and sat back and watched all the pieces fall into place. I didn't complain once or make the people around me miserable. I get very neurotic about dieting and am a perfectionist in everything I do. I am often my own worst enemy. I often drive others nuts in the process of contest prep. I question everything cause I want to learn and drive people nuts with my "Do you think my glutes will come in?" kinda questions. I need to know I am on point every week.

Here are a few things I HAVE to remember for next year:
1. Take out stock in Gas X-The chewable kind will seem like crack at 4 weeks out...really!
2. Go to Cosco and buy as much toliet paper as possible! As you diet not only do you pee every 15 minutes but your bathroom habits change frequently day by day.
3. Buy baby wipes! See #2-they are a lot nicer on your tooshy when you get lean!
4. Have someone hold you accountable for your weekly cheat meal-I didn't go overboard this year and it seemed to work!
5. Icksnay on the PAM....it does have fats and calories and they do add up. It is not spray butter and if you eat to much you get nasty acid reflux....
6. Super Dieter's Tea is your friend! Get some!
7. Buy a case of liquid Stevia...if you go to the store to often you get questioned by the cashier's! They will think you are drinking the stuff!
8. Try NOT to chew gum and drink diet pop...it WILL bloat your stomach and make you feel full, but it will also make your stomach distend and make your weight go up!
9. It's okay to create "ME" time and shut your phone off....
10. NAP...it will keep you alive!
**11. Only give yourself a FEW days to eat whatever you want after the show...a week is TO long! UGH!

So I had a great contest prep...and a great week of eating. Now it's back to dieting and creating my NEW and IMPROVED physique for next year! Bringing it.......going to be unstopable!

Into the warped mind of Dr. Auerbach…..

Into the warped mind of Dr. Auerbach…..


So everyone is always probing me for answers to what is in my head. Some people, depending on my relationship with them I answer and some I don’t. It really all depends on trust. I have different levels of trust with different people. Some I tell more to, some I tell less, some I tell the bare bones to…..


My best friends and family are who I tell it ALL to. Even things they don’t necessarily want to know! My friends, I tell at little more to, enough details to allow them to know what is happening in my life without knowing TO much. My acquaintances I tell the bare bones of my life to. BUT here I will tell you all the answers to the 5 most asked questions about me…….


1. What is next for you? Bodybuilding? Physique?
Does anyone TRULY know what is next for them in their lives? NO! So I take all this with a grain of salt. I will compete in bodybuilding for as long as it survives and then it may be time for me to start looking at having kids, getting married and living a “normal” life.


2. What do you do for a living? I am a first grade/special education teacher. I teach all day, train all night. It’s emotionally and mentally draining daily. Then I go to the gym and get drained physically. SO by days end I am ready to pass out!


3. What religion are you?

Religion doesn’t define me in anyway. I am spiritual but not religious.


4. What do you like to do? I love music, movies, shopping at MAC, Guess and Victoria Secret, playing the guitar and training at the gym


5. Will you ever go back to your “rockstar” lifestyle? NO, I am over that lifestyle. I have matured and don’t find a need for it in my life anymore. I will however continue to play guitar and play in the band on occasion for the fun of it.

I am an open book, black and white, full disclosure kinda girl. Anything you ever want to know about me….ASK….I have nothing to hide!!

Where you been?

I didn't disappear, just have had a lot of great things going on in my life. As many of you know I have been dieting with Palumbo since I began on this bodybuilding journey. He has raised me into this spiritual, confident, knowledgeable force not to be reckoned with. Along the way he has shown me that I was not working up to my full potential OR giving myself enough credit for what I was capable of. So, you can imagine how honored I was when he asked me to be the Editor in Chief of RX Girl. It was like the culmination of all I have worked hard for. Now I have the ability to promote women in the industry that probably would not get attention otherwise. I have met SO many wonderful girls and it has put my mind at ease that all women are not created equal and that not all the girls in this industry are the same. So, I have also been traveling quite a lot covering some of the local level shows for RX as well as training for Powerlifting and Bodybuilding and teaching. Busy! Busy!

With the end of the school year rapidly approaching it is stressful to go to work. Lots of changes, gossip, rumors and end of the year paperwork. Not to mention having to pack up an entire classroom. So I am hoping the next month goes FAST!! I am also hoping the kiddos I get next year are a little less challenging!

Another year.......But a WHOLE new me!

Most people on their birthdays reflect back on the years of their life and what they wish they could of, would of or have not achieved. In the past I was one of these people, but through my studying of the Tao and Dahn Yoga I have learned that the power of the mind is far greater than that of the soul, heart or body. With the wings I am given I choose to "be alive" each day. Not just to wake up and breathe and go about what I do each day, but to really enjoy all I am given in my everyday and the everyday blessings I have. I told my students on Friday, after they celebrated my birthday with me that each one of them is a HUGE part of my life and without their love and support I wouldn't be me. See, through the story, "Have You Filled a Bucket Today" I have taught my students that we each have an invisible bucket filled with our emotions. We can choose each day to be a "bucket filler" or a "bucket dipper". This has made them think about their actions and how they talk and act with their peers. I have chosen to live my own life being a bucket filler to everyone who touches my heart, including the 25 eyes that stare at me each day and depend on me. I am not out to promote me, or show the world who I am, or what I can or have accomplished. I find my happiness in the hearts and smiles of the people I love. So today, on my birthday, I don't look back, I look ahead at all the days I have to be alive, to smile, to touch the lives of others, to gain through experience the lessons that tickle my heart songs and make my days on this earth the best they can be.

Ilchi Lee.....Dahn Yoga Sensation

When Times Get Tough, Reach for Your Dream

Birth of a Dream

Your worth comes from your sense of self-respect.
A real dream comes from within that value.
There’s something about dreams.
Dreams don’t always come from ideal situations.

In times of greatest adversity and most desperate need,
when you are going through the most difficult struggle—that’s when you need a dream.
People who have a dream overcome the hardship
and find greatness in themselves.

Many of the great people in human history
cherished a dream in the midst of suffering
and achieved a great vision.

People who have a dream
like people who have dreams.
When people with a dream meet each other
they create a new history and encounter miracles.

Dreams, if not cared for, vanish like the clouds.
We must become people who always speak of dreams,
so that we can open our eyes each morning
full of anticipation and excitement, with hopes and dreams.

Let’s talk about dreams.
They’re the key to overcoming any obstacle or hardship.
Let’s talk about dreams.

Ilchi Lee

AH HA Moment............

Ever have an AH HA moment? One where you realize what you have been doing wrong, how you have gone about something totally wrong or one in which you discover something about yourself? I have had many of these recently and wanted this blog to be about just that. I had the opportunity to guest pose for the first time. In the past I have never had anxiety, gotten nervous or even thought twice about being in front of an audience. I mean, I present at conferences all over the US, played in a cover band, teach in front of my peers and students daily without thinking twice. So why when I got up on stage was I SO darn nervous? I took hip hop dance all offseason and never feared performing. Well as I walked off the stage at the Egyptian Theatre, where I began bodybuilding 11 years ago, I realized the answer to this question. It wasn’t due to lack of preparation or not having a high self esteem. It really came down to one thing…..it does not come naturally to me. I can’t under the pressure on stage perform with the grace and flow I want to cause unless I can do it in my sleep it won’t happen. So now I know…the diet, the cardio the training, I do this year round, it is natural to me, but dancing and posing it not. So this year I will focus ALL my attention on just that. With my dance teacher working with me weekly, I will perform like I NEVER have before. Watch out…..here I come!!!!!!!!

Now, in the past I have shared my contest prep, my progress, my where abouts and my business with others. I have learned that really, no one needs to know anything except my trainer and diet coach. NO ONE. I don’t need others to toot my horn and tell me how good I look, how awesome my workouts are, how much size I put on or what they know I want to hear. I am confident enough in myself to do this on my own. I have a supportive trainer and diet coach in my corner to answer my questions and get me through the rough patches. Better than that I have ME. I am independent, confident and a great person, who has all the skills it takes internally to be my best. Its time to stop listening, close my eyes and start reflecting internally.

A Reminder to Stay Alive.....

After losing my dad is 2006, I woke up and finally started to live and create my life, instead of letting life create and mold me. My dad called me the unstoppable one and always told me when I hit a brick wall to find a way around it, thru it or over it. I was very close to my dad and it took my 5 years to cry and come to terms with losing him. After I did I felt free and after spending the last 6 months finding my true self and weeding my garden called life I thought I was in a pretty good spot. Until last week.

When I got my mom to the emergency room at 3am they immediately knew what was wrong. She had a hernia. Her bowel was popped out of it too. When she then went in for surgery, they found 3! At an elderly age healing from this is not easy. Especially when everything that COULD go wrong DOES! With a host of other health problems I sat and slept in the chair at her bedside listening to her in pain, wishing I could take it away and wondering how she was going to make it thru this at her age. I slept at the hospital for days as I watched my mom drugged up on pain killers having no clue what they were shooting her with or giving her to take. As the days went on it became apparent that their was NO WAY she was going to be able to take care of herself for a LONG TIME after leaving the hospital. So I began my adventure on finding a full time caregiver, figuring out how I was going to afford it since medicare doesn't pay for it and wondering why she couldn't just have one hernia and no complications. Then it hit me.............

This is g-d's reminder to me to stay alive....stay in the moment, live for today and tomorrow and have no regrets. This is a message sent to me from my dad to remind me that I am unstoppable, that I have the tools it takes to accomplish anything I set my mind to. Most people look at bad situations like this as bad, negative,etc..I decided to look at it positively. All those endless, sleepless nights in the hospital gave me a chance to have many heart to heart conversations with my mom, to spend time reminding her of how wonderful our family was, all we had to live for and how this surgery will only make her a stronger person. She shared with me all the things that she loves about me, how even though I run a hectic busy schedule and am a workaholic I always find time for her. She told me that I turned out the way she raised me to be and how even though I get hurt my self centered people and bitches she is glad I am not one.

It's funny how the scare of almost losing my mom turned into the greatest bonding moment.................So remember to stay alive....don't let life create and mold you, YOU create and mold your life!

My Journey Into the Sport of Bodybuilding

My journey into bodybuilding started at the age of 6. 6 you ask? Yes, 6!!!! See at 6 years old I sat in a first grade classroom and I was the odd ball, the weird-o, the kid who was different, the one no one understood or wanted to be friends with. I was the one chosen last during dodgeball. At the age of 6 I was diagnosed with ADD, ED, BD and LD. I have attention, behavior, learning and emotional difficulties. Talk about being hit hard. EVERYTHING I did was a struggle and hard for me. So how did this get me into bodybuilding you ask? This was the beginning of me struggling to find my "place" or "home" in this world. This is where I began my first attempt to be understood for who I am and what I believe in.

So throughout school I got involved in gangs, sports, and a sorority, all attempting to find the people and place where I would be the most understood. I went to college on a cross country scholarship and went to the gym to lift weights three times a week. After a month my coach told me I had to STOP lifting! I was getting to big! After many stress fractures, I decided to switch to playing rugby in college. I got to lift daily and get as big and strong as I wanted! During college their was a bodybuilding show called Greek Physique and I decided I wanted to compete in it. I trained at the gym with many guys who offered to help me pose, diet and prepare. I loved the diet, loved putting on muscle, loved cardio, learning about supplements and loved competing! I competed in Greek Physique and won it 4 years in a row! When I left college I joined a gym back home where I was student teaching. I started working out there daily and meeting people who competed in the NPC and who told me I should do a show. I told everyone I wanted to focus on my first year teaching and just continued to train. I hired a trainer and he trained me 3 times a week. I started to see myself put on more and more muscle as time went on. I ate clean and started learning more about supplements. I decided to start attending the local NPC contests to see what it was like. During the first show I went to I had made up my mind...I WANTED TO COMPETE AGAIN! So in 2007 I started my journey toward my first competition. During the year I went to every show and met more and more people who competed. I started lifting, training and spending time with competitors and by the end of 2007 I had attended every local Illinois show and had met a whole group of friends who understood me and accepted me for who I was. They understood my "oddness" and in their eyes it was okay to be different. In fact it was my differences that made me so unique.

So in 2008 I stood back on the stage and did my first NPC bodybuilding competition. Ever since then I live the lifestyle daily, believe in the religion of bodybuilding and truly believe I found my "place" to call home! All of the struggling I did my whole life as a child only made me a stronger person. It only taught me resilience and to persevere when things are hard. This has helped me get through contest prep, in the off season when bulking and in my professional life as a elementary and special education teacher. The only difference is I have taught my students that it's okay to be this way! This is how I started bodybuilding and can't imagine my life without it!

Learning to Believe In Me

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were
meant to be there. To serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or
help figure out who you are or who you want to become.

You never know who these people may be but when you lock eyes with them, you
know that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.
And sometimes things happen to you at the time that may seem horrible,
painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming
those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, will
power or heart.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of
good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer
stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small
tests, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere.
Safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet affect your life. The successes and downfalls that you
experience can create who you are, and the bad experiences can be learned
from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.

If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them because
they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious
to whom you open your heart.

If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they
love you, but because they are teaching you to love and to open your heart
and eyes to little things. Make every day count.

Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can,
for you may never be able to experience it again.

Talk to people you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let
yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high.

Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a
great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in
yourself, no one else will believe in you. Create your own life and then go
out and live it.

2010 Reflection

It is great to look back on the last year and see the good and bad that happened, but if I had to pick out the greatest accomplishment I had this year it was discovering what made me happy, finding my true self and creating the life I truly deserve. I was able to "weed my garden" of people in my life who weren't making me happy. I found true happiness after I walked away from these negative voices. It is a hard sometimes hurtful process and many would rather stay in these relationships than walk away. I chose to walk away and couldn't be happier with my decision. I would rather have friends in my life who understand me, truly support me and who are not self centered and self absorbed. It has been an amazing experience that made me grow into a stronger person.

I love how many people think they are friends with people who all they do is text, email or instant message. They think these "facebook" friends are REAL friends. I find this nothing but amusing.

So as I wrap up another year I want to thank the people who love and support me, who TRULY want what is best for me and who are able to look outside their own bubble and be a friend. I am not a perfect person but I work hard each and everyday to make myself better and stronger.

The Right Fit to True Enlightment

So lately I have been questioning a lot in my life. Questioning what to do now that my Ph.D is complete. Where to go from here.... Questioning whether I like bodybuilding, love bodybuilding and what is causing me to feel the way I do lately about it. Questioning now that I have found my true self and my happiness again what more I need to feel complete. I have now figured it all out.

I figured out that my true educational calling is not what I got my master's in, which is educational administration. That is a FUN summer job but not something I want to wake up doing for the next 20 years. My true calling is where I started at age 6, special education. Being diagnosed with LD, BD, ED and ADD at age 6 my life everyday was what no 6 year old should have to learn to overcome. I persevered though a lot in my life and now I want to teach these children how to do the same. I don't want to just teach them the knowledge of curriculum but the knowledge to know how they learn and how to teach themselves.

I know I love bodybuilding cause with all the drama I have persevered through I have had to fight with all my heart to get back on stage. I started hating the girls I met locally who compete and it really turned me off to the sport. I got screwed over by a lot, lied to, cheated by, etc... and it made me realize that the only way that a friendship like this will last if it we both support each other. If it is one sided it won't last. I also embraced my size. I like being muscular and think it is sexy, but I also care a lot about my face and the way it looks. I really listened to people who told me the reason I was single is because of bodybuilding and what it has done to my body and face. I am not sure this is completely true, but it made me embrace who I was and not to look back, just ahead. To be more aware of the changes and what I want out of this sport. Not to push it TO far. Funny thing is if I would just have listened to my diet coach I probably won't be wondering these things, but I always am competitive and have to be the best of the best. I am willing to do and try anything to win. Always been that way my whole life.

I also found that working out at Jakked Hardcore has restablized me each week. It give me confidence to be myself, acceptance in where I come from and a place to escape from my everyday grind. The people have taught me love and support and how important the family atmosphere is. I have not only found a place I can be me, but friendships that inspire me to be me.

So all in all I am in a happy, content, and in a good place in life. I have weeded my garden of people who make me unhappy, embraced who I truly am and reconnected with people who I don't always make time for. I am in a good place and have my mind set on my next goal....2011...watch out!

Time To Change....

I fought this "change" for a while...! Now many of you will say...your gay...your coming out of the closet! NO! That is not it! You see, I am fighting against the way my parents raised me. My parents raised me to be caring, giving, a good friend, always to take care of others, to always tell and show people what they mean to me. I have always displayed quiet confidence, have never been a "look at me" "look at me" kinda person. I always viewed these people as lacking self confidence, self esteem and being scared that they will not be noticed by others so they had to put themselves on a pedestal, cause no one else would. So our society has change to make us fight for survival, to fight for what we want...and here I am giving to others, being a good friend, showing people how much I care and doing things for others without getting anything back in return. This is ALL going to change. I am done being stepped on and being taken advantage of. I am going to start living life for me, doing things for me, and taking care of me....then putting everyone else SECOND! My family SECOND than my friends THIRD. I am done caring what others think or view of me. I am done needing something, asking a friend and they are always to busy or have an excuse why they can't help me. SO....it is time for a change, and it won't be an easy one for me to make!

A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes.....

It's hard to believe how many of my posts this offseason have to do with me making myself a better person. Although I am always learning and this is often my goal I find it amazing how many mistakes I still make. See, I am being taught to try to understand others and not develop preconceptions about people. I have found that people's true colors come out in one way or another. Although I TRY to understand others, some people are so messed up it is hard to understand what possess them to do what they do... I have however learned to weed out who my TRUE friends are. Who TRULY is there for me, not jealous of me, willing to go above and beyond for me and during rough times their response is not, "I am sorry to hear that" or "if you are that negative about it, don't do it." See I believe everyone is allowed to be negative and be upset or down in the dumps sometimes. Everyone has good days and bad days and although you may think you are the most positive person in the word and your words to try to boost me up are helping, sometimes I just need a little sympathy, a hug, someone to listen to me vent, someone to tell me that I can get through this, that I am a good person....etc... I am not trying to be negative or bash anything I am just having a bad day. Know what I mean?

So onto Dreams... Now that I have accomplished all my goals in my career and finished my education I am now seeking to find my perfect job...that of a special education resource teacher. Until a door opens I will continue to get as much experience working with children with special needs as I can. So I feel I am working toward that dream.

With bodybuilding, I don't have a dream...I don't have a wish...hell...I don't even have a vision. I have always thought of it as my hobby. I never thought I would place top 5 at a national level show to have to make this sport even a priority. I know for sure I don't want my whole life to this sport. I don't want to sit around my house all day with nothing to do but read the forums and plan my next workout. I like working and my job to much for that. In finding balance in this all I think I have to learn to take this hobby with a grain of salt. If I decide to compete again then I have to get onstage for me and make it about me. I have set my focus this offseason to enjoying life, having fun, dating and traveling. I don't want to wake up tomorrow and the only thing I have to show for in my life is my physique. I know my purpose in the world and I wake up each day and pursue it. So the next person who asks...whens your next show?....I am going to tell them tomorrow...cause everyday of my life is a "new show" and a "new day" and I will continue to live and accomplish my dreams and listen to my heart.

Finding my TRUE self

I embarked on this journey through Dahn Yoga to find my true self. To break down the walls I have, rid myself of the pre-conceptions I have and find my true purpose in life. I have wanted to become a more positive, confident and trusting person and through a workshop called Shim Sung as able to do just that. I have to say that the lenses I see life through are much different now.

I do the things I do cause I am passionate about them, but now with the passion I have for them I am able to see my dreams as goals, not just things out of my reach. I am passionate about relationships, whether they be friendships with friends, dating or family. Now I can see the purpose I serve in these relationships and trust them completely. I can see how important it is to NOT pass judgements on others. For we all see things differently and it is okay to be different. I see that people have good in them, and that the actions they present is not TRULY who they are inside.

So my true purpose in life is to take the passion I have for things and though the characteristics I possess bring fun, love, confidence, knowledge and happiness to all that surround me. This is what will bring me true happiness. I create my own legacy and I want people to remember me as this TRUE person. I am not hiding the true ME anymore. I am keeping my eyes open and staying alive!

Life Reflections

Have you ever had a chance to sit back and reflect on life and thought UGH....? What am I doing? It is not that I am unhappy with my life or what I have accomplished, its more of not having everything I want in my life in place that will make me happy. The hard part is a lot of these things I have no control over, which is hard for me to accept. I want to find the right one, settle down and get married. I know I have no control over when this will happen, but I am very ready for it. I refuse to accept someone who does not possess the characteristics I am looking for and want long term. Maybe I need to.?

Sometimes my frustration lies with bodybuilding. I know my goal but sometimes I think I don't have the genetics to accomplish it. I know you will say don't give up on your dream, but maybe the dream is far beyond my reach and should be re-evaluated. I spend all day eating, lifting, cardio, etc... and I sacrifice a lot for it, and I wonder if maybe I am doing it for no reason at all.

Sometimes I know I must do what I love but maybe I can love it without being IN LOVE with it......

My brain's desire

-I declare that I am the master of my brain.
-I declare that my brain has infinate possibilities and creative potential.
-I declare that my brain has the right to accept or refuse information and knowledge that it is offered.
-I declare that my brain loves humanity and the earth.
-I decare that my brain desires peace.


What does your brain desire?

Best of Two Worlds...or not?

I often reflect on the two different worlds I live in..one as an elementary teacher and the other as a female bodybuilder. I mean talk about opposite lifestyles. I am so blessed to wake up every morning and do the one thing that I was put on this planet to do..teach! It comes with its ups and downs, good days and bad days but I do feel that my job is important and that I impact the future in many ways. I have accomplished a lot in my career and have always put it first. Now that I have finished my education and met many goals I had for my career I can focus more on bodybuilding. It is hard to live the lifestyle of a bodybuilder and a teacher. I mean you can't eat when you need, can't go to the bathroom when you need to, or even use the phone during the day. You are on stage for 8 hours a day and your work follows you home. Your brain is constantly reflecting on what you taught that day and reaching the huge needs of the students in your classroom by differentiating instruction. Balancing it all is sometimes tricky. The other hard part is the people in both worlds don't accept or understand the other world. My co-workers don't understand bodybuilding and my bodybuilder friends don't understand teaching. Sometimes I feel like I live in solitary confinement when it comes to this. So why do I continue to try to make this balance? Why don't I give up and walk away? Why don't I take one more serious than the other instead of trying to balance both. LOVE.... that is why! When I am passionate about something I can't just walk away from it.